Seriously, is there no privacy in this world? My phone tracks me every time. Google knows where I go, where I stay; it has the audacity to point out that I spend most of my time in the middle of Powai Lake, and that I spend less than an hour a week on average at work. It knows that I spend almost all my time on 9gag.com, it knows that I keep searching for funny videos every minute.
And all this information is going to big brother. I'm scared of even thinking anything wrong, because I've heard that Google has built a satellite named NOTHEU972 which measures the psychokinetic energy of the world, and can hence read out thoughts, similar to Peter Answers. I've also heard that the CIA pays huge amounts of money to Google to get access to the data collected by NOTHEU972.
I dare not put any pictures on Facebook, as hackers are out there to take my pictures, morph them onto some objectionable content, and post them on objectionable sites. I dare not crack jokes on twitter, as I don't wish to be deported from any country.
At the same time, I need to write content on this blog, otherwise, I'll lose my audience. I'm paranoid that some Tom, Dick or Harry in Timbuktu will file a takedown notice under DMCA, or worse, ACTA, SOPA, PIPA, or USUCKA. I'm paranoid that I'll lose my Google account if I upload any content on Youtube, even a video of a friend dancing to Waka-Waka.
I'm paranoid when I think that every time I purchase something at the grocery store, I'm telling a massive computer bank something about myself, which they're all too happy to know. Then, they'll mail discount coupons for pornos or condoms back home, just as a way of telling on me to my parents. Seriously, who knew that using a credit card was so dangerous?
Speaking of credit cards, I don't use them. Using credit cards is just a way of inviting Nigerian scamsters to steal my money. Hence, I don't ever purchase anything online. I don't donate money to causes, I don't even buy software. This means that I'm left with the only option to use free software.
But why should someone give software away for free? Surely they're all Trojan horses, waiting to grab my passwords as I type them in my web browser. This means that I should only use software which have been proven to be Trojan free. But how do I trust the reviewer? No, I use only open source software, after studying every line of their source code. And I cannot trust their installers, so I build software from source.
All my email, all my documents are online. Wait, they're with Google! Now, that company knows exactly how much I earn, how much I spend. It has access to all the confidential reports I write. And they're available for every hacker, like every other 16 year old kid to find, all he has to do is to furiously hit some keys on his computer at home.
No, I'm smart, I use two step verification. That's safest. And I change my password every hour. I never repeat them. I can tell you the one I used last hour, but then that would give you enough information to guess this one. After all, just shopping for one brand of cream over other gave Target enough information... you've read that, haven't you?
Which means that I'd probably just unplug my computer now and instead end up facing real people. WAIT! They too know everything about me, just by looking at my face. Especially when I'm sitting in front of Keith Barry...
This post, like many others on the blog is written in jest. Take from it what you will.